An Except From The Glass Rose...

Prologue

November 2, 1982

St. Louis, Missouri

Sandra walked into the park daydreaming of the past. A single red rose she held in her left hand. Teardrops began to form in her dark green eyes, making it hard for her to focus on her surroundings.

The park seems so empty, she thought to herself as she walked over to a bench. She sat and blinked, then focused her gaze on the rose. Her fingers touched the velvety petals.

“I miss you, Hans,” she whispered softly as she put her right hand on her protruding stomach. “The baby will never know its real father.” A teardrop slowly fell from her cheek and landed on one of the petals.

Sandra reached in her coat pocket and pulled out a small photograph. A tall, fair-complected man with blond hair and blue eyes made her smile. As she looked at the photograph, a warm glow of strength went through her.

“This is really hard on me, but I promise you that I will do my best to raise our child when it is born,” she murmured softly. She wiped away the tears on her face with her small fingertips.

Thinking back into the past hurt her so much, like a knife stabbing her heart. She was suppose to have a life with him, her Hans. But his death had altered everything. Now here she was, back in the States, pregnant with his child.

"I must shield this child from the pain of the past," she murmured under her breath. "I will make sure that this child has a normal, happy, and safe childhood."

Still the pain of it would not let go of her heart, her soul. "Why did you have to leave me, Hans? Why?" She took a deep breath to calm herself.

I have to see this through and be brave, she thought to herself as courage and determination set in. She placed the photograph back in her pocket, took a deep long breath and let it out slowly.

She glanced up at the sky and could see a blanket of blue. The faint breeze tousled the leaves on the trees. She didn’t hear the fast approaching steps coming from behind her.

“Well, there you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.” He stared, complete surprise on his face.

Sandra looked up and smiled at Jim as he sat down next to her. He placed his arm around her shoulder. “Did you go to the doctor today?”

“Yes, I went. He said that I’m doing just fine. The baby is getting bigger and stronger. He doesn’t anticipate any trouble with the delivery.”

She took a frank and admiring look at him. The smiling brown eyes were as dark and powerful as he was. His black hair gleamed in the light. The clean look of him impressed her.

She cared so much for him. She knew he loved her when he vowed to take good care of her and the baby.

He knew the baby was not his and he didn’t care. His kindness and gentleness had persuaded her to marry him. He even agreed to keep her past a secret from her child. This made Sandra very happy as she wanted her baby to have a normal family life. She didn't want her past to affect her child's life and Jim respected her wishes.

He brushed the light brown hair from her face with his fingertips, leaned over to kiss her lightly on the forehead and grinned.

“Let’s go home. We both have had a long day. I know you must be tired.” His voice lulled her into a relaxed mood. “You can take a short nap before we go out to dinner.”

“That sounds good to me,” she said in a silky voice. Her face brightened at the suggestion.

She stood up, reached out, and laced her fingers with his. They began to walk out of the park, paying no attention to the red rose that had fallen from her hand and landed on the bench.

Chapter 1

There hadn’t been enough time. Only a few weeks to deal with the fact that her mother was very ill with cancer and dying.

Then there had been the frantic call for an ambulance, the hurried ride to the hospital and the waiting. Now the waiting was over.

The funeral arrangements had been handled neatly. Kay knew her mom would want everything done very simply.

After the last friend and relative had left the house, she realized that she was alone. Then the tears came.

She thought back to when her mother had told her. Because Kay lived in Chicago, Sandra had decided to keep the illness from her daughter for as long as possible. She had explained to Kay that she didn't want her to worry.

Kay walked over to the living room and collapsed on the sofa. Sleeping for only an hour, she got up, went into the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. Sitting at the table with a pad of paper and a pen, she made a list of the things that had to be done.

She decided the best thing to do was to clean up the house, one room at a time. She’d put the house up for sale. The first room that she would tackle would be the attic, then she would work her way down to the basement.

Clenching her fists, she banged them on the table. She needed time to try to understand or learn to live with it. It took her several years to get over her father’s death.

The image leaped up in her mind. The tall man, whose laughter and smile she had adored, had been dead for five years. Though it seemed like yesterday that he was standing in the kitchen, cooking dinner for his family. He sure could cook, she thought. Her faint smile held a touch of sadness. He had been the head chef at Lombardo’s, a high-class Italian restaurant in St. Louis, Missouri for many years.

Kay remembered the numerous awards he had received for his creativity in developing unique recipes. They had dressed the walls of his study. The shelves had displayed the cookbooks he had written. Published, they had sold very well in book stores.

The blazing fire at Lombardo’s had changed all that. Tears slowly found their way down her cheeks. He was gone and she missed him so much. Now she would have to get used to her mother being gone too.

Turning her attention back to the house, she decided she would start to clean the attic in the morning. Then it dawned on her. She hadn’t been up in there in years.

Getting up from the table, she decided she had better take a look at what she was getting herself into. She began the long upward climb of the stairs. Her strong and slim fingers touched the big, dark brown chest. Kay had no idea what she would find inside it. Her curiosity took over now, as she opened the lid. Holding up her mother’s wedding gown, she smiled as tears filled her dark blue eyes. Her hair tumbled carelessly down her back. Setting it down to the side of her, she reached in and pulled out an old shoe box. It was tied up with a faded red ribbon. Standing up, she took the box and left the attic.

She walked down the flight of stairs to the kitchen, where there would be better light to see the contents of the box. She set the box on the table and walked over to the left cabinet drawer. Opening it, she reached for the pair of scissors and went to the table to sit down. Cutting the ribbon off the box made the lid come off effortlessly. Inside were three items. An envelope, a small white box, and a journal. Opening the small box, her eyes fixed on a necklace. A red rose made of glass hung on a gold chain. It sparkled as she held it up to the light.

Putting it aside, she opened the envelope and discovered a faded color photograph of a man. He was tall, fair, beardless, with an ingeniously appealing face. She was puzzled by it all as there was no name on the back of it. She raked her fingers through her long flowing brown hair as a sigh escaped from her lips. She set the photograph aside and picked up the journal. The outside cover was of black cloth. Small red rosebuds printed about gave a hint of beauty to it. Inside the cover was a note in her mother’s handwriting.

Dearest Daughter Kay, I know you will find this when I am gone. I have never told anyone what you are about to read. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for not telling you in person. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Know that I will always love and watch over you.

Mom

Kay read it twice. Closing the book, she put it aside. She picked it up and read it again. She toyed with the idea of taking a look into her mother’s past because she was afraid. She didn’t want any questions coming up in her mind unanswered. No more pressure or any demands. But resist she could not. Putting all the items back into the box, she got up from the table. Taking the box, she went out of the kitchen turning off the light as she left the room. She went up the stairs to her old bedroom, placed the box on the dresser and fell on top of the bed, crying. It was the hot shower that took all the tension away from her body. She put on her pink silk nightgown and curled up in her bed with the journal in her hands. She lay in the drowsy warmth of her bed reading the note from her mother again. Halfway down the words flashed before her heavy eyes as she drifted into an exhausted sleep.

Then the dream came. She stood in the dark room, alone and afraid. With only a twinkling of light coming from a single candle she held, she glanced at the floor, saw a trail of red rose petals leading out of the room and into the hall. As she followed the trail, she came to another room. The door was open and she could hear music coming from a music box. Walking into the room she noticed an abundance of burning candles everywhere. Rose petals were scattered all over and in the center of the room stood her mother dressed in a white gown with a smile on her face. She stretched out her arms andin a soft voice she said, “Come to me, my daughter.”

She opened her eyes and sat up in bed. Her memory was still gloomily colored with the dream. The misery of the day had remained and still haunted her. Her sense of loss was beyond tears now as she glanced over to her side and saw the journal. She picked it up and put it on the nightstand. She decided to keep the light on. She laid back down and fell back to sleep. This time it was a dreamless sleep.

"You wouldn't believe all the clothes that my mother had," Kay said into the receiver. "It took me hours to sort and pack them up."

"Give them to Goodwill," Jan replied on the other end of the phone. "They'll put them to good use."

"That's a good idea. I'll call them when I get off with you." Kay took a breath and began again, "I went through the photo albums. I can't begin to tell you how terribly painful that was. To look at all those memories just tore at my heart."

"I can imagine," Jan said. "What are you going to do with them?"

"I'll keep them, but it maybe years before I can handle looking at them again."

"I'm glad you're coming back soon. We need you here."

Twisting the phone cord around her fingers, Kay turned her head to glance at the wall clock. It was one in the afternoon and the only plans she had left were to call Goodwill and do more packing. "I've missed being there. I can't wait to get home." Kay untangled the cord and licked her dry lips. "I better get going and tackle more of the mess around here or I'll never get home."

"See you soon," Jan said.

"Yeah, soon," Kay managed to say with a small smile on her lips. "I hope."

Two weeks went by and Kay was ready to return back to Chicago. She had put the house up for sale and she had the main furnishings put into storage. She took a few sentimental objects and placed them in a boxes. Among them was the shoe box. She never got past reading her mom’s note. With so much to do in such little time, she decided it best to take it home with her. She would read it when she had more free time on her hands.

The rented red Ford pickup truck was parked in front of the house. With the help of relatives, she was able to pack and load the truck up. After saying goodbye, she headed down the road, turned the corner, then headed in the direction to the outskirts of town.

Once she was safely on I-55, she felt the tension of the past few hours release, and she reached for the knob to turn on the radio. Selecting an oldies station, she settled back and tried to enjoy the scenery. The farther she drove, the duller the scenery became. Flat land and corn stalks were not her idea of visual enjoyment. Though it sure beat all the boxes she had to look at for the past few weeks, she thought. It was hard to believe of all that she had been through. Then to make matters worse, she had to deal with the lousy insurance company that her mother had a policy with. After several calls to them, they managed to get the claim moved into the processing department for payment to be issued. She was thankful that she had that nice little nest egg saved up. Kay had used most of the money toward the funeral expenses that she was forced to pay up front. When the insurance check came, she would replenish her savings.

The family photo albums had been terribly painful to view. They were now tucked away in a box that sat on the seat beside her. She'd store them away in the bedroom closet when she'd get home, she thought. It would be a long time before she'd be able to have the courage to look at them again.

Spotting the sign as she drove past it, her heart sank. Three hundred miles to Chicago, it read. It would be , she thought, one long ride filled with nothing but cows, cornfields, and boredom.

The day after returning from St. Louis, Kay went back to work. Sitting at her desk, her mind went blank. She couldn’t focus on all of the projects she had to work on. She kept telling herself that work was what she needed. It was the best thing for her.

“Kay, want to take a break with me?” Jan popped her head in the doorway. Jan was her assistant and had become a very good friend.

“I’m having trouble getting into the swing of it.” Her voice was shakier than she would have liked.

“Give yourself some time. You just got back.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just not in a very good mood to be sociable,” Kay said simply, as she pushed back from her desk.

“You’re just going through a rough period. I’ll just go, and check on you later.”

“Thanks, Jan. I really do appreciate your thoughtfulness and concern.”

When the door closed, she let out a deep breath. She opened up the folder and proceeded to study it. The tensing of her jaw betrayed her deep frustrations.

Kay dashed from the taxi toward her apartment building. She picked up her mail, unlocked the front door and went in. She tossed the mail on the table by the window. She hung her jacket, slipped off her shoes and went over to the bar to make herself a drink. She went over to the table and picked up her mail. Seeing that they were only bills, she tossed them back.

She went over to her stereo, turned on some soft music and smiled as it filled the room. She sat on the sofa, glanced at the shoe box that was on the coffee table and let out a long breath. “Well, no time like the present,” she said out loud to herself. Taking the journal into her nervous hands, she began to read. The tears ran down her cheeks as she turned the last page. Her lips thinned with anger and her nostrils flared with fury. Her world had been torn apart. Every memory she had, every belief she’d fostered, was destroyed. How could she accept the lies? She could no longer control her hurt and anger.

“How could you have kept this from me? Let me believe I was someone else’s child?” she shouted out in rage as the pain tore at her heart.

The last few pages of the journal listed names and addresses of relatives in Denmark, relatives she didn’t even know had existed. She couldn’t believe that her mother had a fling with a Dane, came back to America after his death, and married another man.

“You passed him off as my real father, never telling me the truth.” She closed the journal and placed it down on the coffee table. "How could you do such a thing to me? I had a right to know the truth, but not like this," she said as tears began to travel down her cheeks. Her hands covered her face as she yielded to the compulsive sobs that shook her.

As the 747 jumbo jet glided across the sky, Kay looked through the window as sunlight filtered through the fluffy white clouds, her mind deep in thought. She had been through so much in such a short time. So many changes had taken place and thoughts of uncertainty filled her mind.

She missed her mother so much. It didn't seem possible that she was gone. Now here she was on a plane going to a different country to meet people she never knew existed before. Excitement filled the very depths of her soul. Soon she would be in Denmark. She would be staying with her Aunt Maureen and Uncle Per.

She had taken a leave of absence from her job. She wanted to meet her relatives and see the country where she had been conceived. She thought that maybe it would help her to try to understand why everything had happened the way it did. She felt she at least owed it to her mother's memory.

She closed her eyes to shield the pain she felt deep within her. As her mind wandered, she thought of the day she had gathered up enough courage to phone them. A smile came over her lips as she recalled how happy they had seemed to be to hear from her. They had invited her to come for a visit. She had been reluctant to accept the invitation. But, after thinking it over for a few days, she decided to go.

She looked out the window, saw the fluffy white clouds and the sun streaked rays filtering through them. The heavens, she thought, where her mother should be. Was she watching? Could she see her only daughter making an attempt to carry out her wish? Kay hoped with all of her heart that she could.

The plane landed on time at four in the afternoon. As Kay walked through the doors of the airport, she glanced about looking for them. Anxiety cooled her thoughts as she bit her lip. A tall man with a thick crop of golden hair stood off to the right of her. As he approached her, he grinned. His teeth, even and white, contrasted pleasingly with his skin that pulled tautly over the elegant ridge of his cheekbones. His light blue eyes were startling against his fair skin.

"You must be Kay. I'm your Uncle Per. The photograph you sent us doesn't do you justice."

"How do you do? It's so nice to meet you." She smiled and shook his hand. It was large and gave her a sense of protection.

"I'm sorry that your Aunt Maureen couldn't come with me to meet you. She has been so busy getting ready for your stay with us. She wanted to take a nap before you got here."

"I hope she didn't go to too much trouble." She spoke in a weak and tired voice.

"It's no trouble at all. Well, let's go and get your suitcase and be off." He spoke with cool authority as he led the way to baggage claim. "You maybe very surprised when we go through customs."

Her eyebrows rose in question. "Why is that?"

"When they realize that you are an American, they will speak English to you." He took a breath and began again, "English is a second language here in this country. It's taught in our schools. Everyone speaks it here except the older generation."

"What if I spoke Danish back to them?"

Per gave a chuckle. "It wouldn't do any good, my dear." He placed an arm around her and began again, "That American accent would give you away."

The car ride took thirty minutes. They lived in a large town, just outside of Copenhagen, called Koge. When they arrived at the house Kay looked around and could tell that it was in a quiet neighborhood.

The house was a ranch, made of light brown brick and trimmed in dark brown. It sat on a corner lot. To the side of the house was a carport, where Per had parked the car.

Walking around the corner and up the brick path, her eyes brightened with pleasure as she glanced at all the beautiful flowers and shrubs in the yard.

"This is just lovely." She exchanged a quick look with Per as he followed her with the suitcase in his hand.

"This is the result of your aunt's green thumb. If you like this, just wait till you see the backyard."

"There's more to see?" Her dark earnest eyes sought his.

"Aunt Maureen has transformed the yard into a big and beautiful garden. She has just about every flower imagined." Per unlocked the front door and opened it.

Entering the house, they walked into a hallway. To the right was a small dark brown table. A gold pot filled with light pink roses sat on top. On the wall above were three photographs in gold frames.

"Who are these pictures of?" Her eyes shifted from one picture to the other.

"The one on the left is of your great grandparents and the one on the right is of your grandparents. The one in the middle is of Aunt Maureen and me on our wedding day." Per stated proudly as his gaze came to rest on her questioning eyes.

Walking further, they entered the kitchen. It was a large room with lots of counter space. The cabinets were made of oak. A large window was over the sink. White lace curtains, draped on the sides, gave an elegant touch to the room.

"I would die for a kitchen like this."

"I'm glad you like it. We just had it remodeled about a month ago."

Walking further, they entered the dining room. Kay almost tripped over something that was dark and had moved. She gasped, panting in terror, but her fear was premature.

"That's our cat, Tabby. She's always in the way. Are you all right?" He turned his head to look directly at her.

"Yes, I'm fine. Just a little startled."

Hearing footsteps coming from the hallway on the left, she turned to see a petite woman with small dainty features walking toward them. "I thought I heard voices out here. Kay, I'm your Aunt Maureen and I'm so glad to have you here." Maureen smiled and gave her a hug. Her dark brown hair was short and styled to frame her face well.

"Thank you so much for letting me stay here with you. I really do appreciate it," she said as she studied her aunt's graceful features. Kay noted the creamy complexion she had and that it was flawless. It was her eyes that one noticed the most, Kay thought. They were large and round with a brilliant shade of emerald green.

"We're glad to have you. Please come and sit down." Maureen caught Kay's elbow and firmly escorted her.

They entered the living room. White walls and modern furniture gave the room a bright and cozy feeling. Kay turned her head and saw the patio doors. She went over to look out, and a sigh from her lips rang out.

Per set the suitcase down and went over to her. "See, that's what I was trying to tell you. Aunt Maureen's garden is really something. Don't you agree?"

"There aren't any words to properly describe the beauty of it," Kay said as she stared at him in astonishment.

"Well, I'm going to take your suitcase to your room. Kay, please sit down and make yourself at home." She sat on the dark brown sofa as Per disappeared through the hallway.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Maureen asked eagerly.

"A Coke would be fine if you have it."

"Yes, we have it. I'll get it for you." Maureen brought her a tall glass and then turned on the television. Per walked into the room and sat in his brown leather chair.

"Well, I'm going to go and get dinner started. After dinner we are going to talk." Her voice rang with command as she headed for the kitchen

"Do you need any help?" Kay asked as she leaned forward.

"No, thanks anyway. You just sit and relax."

The telephone rang and Per went to answer it. He spoke in Danish and after a few minutes he returned to his chair.

"That was my son, Kim. He is very anxious to meet you." He smiled at her as if she were a small child.

"I can't wait to meet him," she muttered softly as she took a sip of her drink.

"I have invited him and his friend Michael to come here for dinner tomorrow evening at six. He was calling to say that they could come and they will be leaving right from work." He took a breath and began again. "Kim and Michael have known each other for many years. Maureen and I regard him as family."

"I see," she said just before taking another sip of her drink.

Maureen called them to dinner. It was a simple meal of beef stew. After dinner Kay helped clean off of the table. Reaching for a cup, Per took over in the kitchen with doing the dishes. Maureen sat at the table with Kay.

She looked into Maureen's green eyes that sparkled. Curiosity had Kay reaching out to get to know her family and hopefully she would know herself even better.

"So, how have you been getting along?" Maureen asked as she took a sip of her coffee.

"It hasn't been easy for me these past few weeks. I was in such shock when mom died. Then I found the journal and that made me feel even worse." Her misery was like a steel weight and the sense of loss could be seen through her eyes.

"We didn't know about you. We had no way of knowing where your mother was. She never kept in touch with us."

"She never wrote to you at all?" Frowning, Kay studied her face as her voice rose in surprise.

"Well we did hear from her once after she took off for the States. A letter came and she said it was just so painful for her to remain here with us. We wanted to help her but there was nothing that we could do." Unconsciously her brow furrowed. "Your mother was deeply hurt and devastated by the death of Hans."

"How did he die? Mom didn't say in the journal."

Maureen looked down and wiped away a tear that had fallen on her cheek. "It was a terrible boat accident. He had his own boat, and he would go out on it all the time," she spoke softly. "They say it was an accident but Per and I never believed it. We've always believed that someone was behind his death."

"Why do you believe this?"

"Just a feeling we have. You see, he was a business man owning a big company and he was going to merge it with another company. From what we could tell, many people were against this merger." Maureen took a breath and began again, "Many felt that with the merger of two large companies, it would put the smaller companies out of business."

"Did he ever take my mother on his boat?" Licking her lips nervously, she waited for a reply.

"He took her on it a few times, but she didn't like it. She couldn't swim, and she had a terrible fear of the water."

"Was my mother on the boat when he died?" Her slender hands unconsciously twisted together.

"No, she was here waiting for him to come and pick her up. They had a party that they were going to go to."

Kay leaned back and closed her eyes to hide the clouded visions of the past. She tried to mask her inner turmoil with deceptive calmness. Tears welled within her eyes. She tried to picture her mother in her mind, waiting patiently for the man she couldn't yet call her father. He's just a stranger, she thought and took a deep breath to calm herself.

Per walked in with a bottle of beer in his hands. "Well, that's done. Now I can sit with you and relax." He sat next to Maureen, smiling with satisfaction.

Moving in her chair, Maureen leaned lightly toward him, tilting her face. "Thanks for doing the dishes."

He turned his head around to look directly at her. "You're welcome," he replied in a low and smooth voice. He reached out, took her hand in his and gave a gentle squeeze.

Kay observed them with enjoyment. There was such warm tenderness and respect for one another that glowed in the air around them. She leaned back in the chair and reached to push back a wayward strand of dark hair from her face.

"So, how long have the two of you been married?" she asked as her eyes shifted from one person to the other.

"Maureen, hasn't it been about forty years now?"

"Per, stop it." Maureen's eyes narrowed and hardened. "It's been thirty years."

"Yes, thirty long years." He stared at Maureen and then burst out laughing.

"Oh, you brut." She was barely able to keep the laughter from her voice.

Kay raised her hand up to her mouth to stifle her giggles. "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how did you both meet?"

He turned up his smile a notch and his eyes grew openly amused. "Now that's another story that happened long ago."

"Per." A flash of humor crossed Maureen's face as she took her elbow and nudged his arm.

"All right, I'll stop." His tone seemed almost apologetic then he glanced at Kay, focusing on her questioning eyes.

"Maureen lived in Chicago and I met her when I was a student there. We dated about a year. Then we got married and moved here to Denmark."

Kay glanced at her aunt and noticed that her smile had widened. "Wasn't that hard for you to move to a different country and not know anyone?"

"Well, it was at first. I missed my family so much. We hired a tutor to teach me Danish. She'd come over every weekday. It helped when I was able to speak to other people and make friends."

"What was the hardest adjustment for you?"

"Well," she began, "I'd have to say the holidays. Mostly at Christmas. It did get a little bit easier once Kim was born. I was able to focus more attention on him than myself."

Kay leaned forward and tilted her head. "I bet it's lovely here during the Christmas season."

"Oh, it is." A flash of humor touched Maureen's eyes as she turned to look at Per. "I like all the lovely decorations in the mall."

He grinned. "My dear, they like you going to look at them with our money in your pockets." He laughed as if sincerely amused.

"Clod," Maureen muttered and jabbed Per with an elbow. Her gentle laugh rippled through the air.

Kay chuckled. She enjoyed watching the gentle sparring between them. Eyeing them tenderly, she leaned back in her chair. She felt so relaxed and amused.

"I sure give you a lot of credit. I don't know if I could pick up everything and move to another country," Kay stated softly as the corners of her mouth rose into a smile.

"That's love for you. It makes you do things you wouldn't dream of doing normally." Maureen replied as she glanced at Per. Her green eyes sparkled as though she was playing a game.

"Well, if you ladies will excuse me, I'm going to go watch the news on the television." He stood up, took his beer into his hand, turned and left the room.

"Men. You can't live with them and you can't live without them," Maureen chuckled. Her gentle laugh rippled through the air.

Fatigue settled in the pockets under Kay's eyes. She pressed both hands over her eyes as if they burned with weariness. "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to turn in. It's been such a long day and I'm so tired." Kay started to yawn as she stood up.

Standing, Maureen straightened her shoulders and cleared her throat. "I'll just show you to your room."

After saying good night to her uncle, Kay followed her aunt down the hall to her room. She gave her a hug and went inside. She flopped onto the bed with a grateful sigh. Changing into her pink nightgown, Kay climbed into bed, pulling the covers over her long slender body. She turned off the light, settled back and closed her tired eyes.

Her thoughts drifted of the day's excitement. For the first time in weeks, she felt some happiness. What would be in store for her in this new and exciting place? she asked herself. She yawned and turned on her side. She wrapped her arms around the pillow, snuggled deeper. A small smile turned the corners of her mouth as sleep embraced her.

To read the complete story,

ask for The Glass Rose

at your favorite bookseller.

ISBN 1892343-32-0 $12.95

Or order here via Pay Pal